I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
You Might Also Like
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Yes
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.