I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
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be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.