I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
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Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
this has done me in for some reason
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*