Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.