Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
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A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.