I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
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Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
accurate
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”