I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
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Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.