cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
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Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Probably my best painting.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
a wizard dating app called bumbledore