@CloydRivers

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

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@titanmoon10

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

@PhuckedCody

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

@Darlainky

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

@wolfmannjr

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

@notacroc

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

@Douchekevin

A cash bar on parent / teacher interview nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.

@OfficeofSteve

Apes stopped waving at us ever since they found out we evolved from them

@YayForJam

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.