@CloydRivers

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

You Might Also Like

@ieatanddrink

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

@SashaBrenner

One of the wheelchair basketball team players has been tested positive for WD40 ūüôĀ

@Holy_Mowgli

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

@Brettagher

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

@chashmaswag

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

@ArfMeasures

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

@cathisamazing

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

@clairedaniellem

yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy ‚Äúhey why aren‚Äôt koalas considered bears?‚ÄĚ and he hits me with ‚Äúthey‚Äôre marsupials‚ÄĚ shut up nerd the answer to the joke is ‚Äúthey don‚Äôt have the koalafications‚ÄĚ