I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

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My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT


One of the wheelchair basketball team players has been tested positive for WD40 ūüôĀ


ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok


“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child


My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.


Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?


Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks


yo i hate honors college boys i just asked this guy ‚Äúhey why aren‚Äôt koalas considered bears?‚ÄĚ and he hits me with ‚Äúthey‚Äôre marsupials‚ÄĚ shut up nerd the answer to the joke is ‚Äúthey don‚Äôt have the koalafications‚ÄĚ