Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy.
Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??
I’m glad the guy who came up with “No means no” didn’t do the whole dictionary
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Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
COP: put ur hands in the air
C: now flip them over
C: now cross them
C: put them behind ur head
C: hey macarena
FDA should require Starbucks baristas/cashiers to be calorie counters.
“Here’s change of 50 and that’s 1,073 calories of your Venti Frap.”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.