My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
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Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!