@Sickayduh

I’m glad the guy who came up with “No means no” didn’t do the whole dictionary

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@Divergentmama

Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy.

Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??

@crmotwo

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

@hippieswordfish

COP: put ur hands in the air
ME: ok
C: now flip them over
M: k?
C: now cross them
M: what
C: put them behind ur head
M: why-
C: hey macarena

@RBColl

FDA should require Starbucks baristas/cashiers to be calorie counters.

“Here’s change of 50 and that’s 1,073 calories of your Venti Frap.”

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

@OldUncleDaveO

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

@ThugRaccoons

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

@iVanillaGorilla

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

@ScaryMommy

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.