Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
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Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I’ve had intimate problems all my life. I just can’t get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.