@KentWGraham

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

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@ArfMeasures

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

@trevso_electric

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

@JamieGreenlees

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

@MsNitnots

Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I’m pissed off about it.

@backporchlady

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

@abbycohenwl

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

@FeelingMervis

I’ve had intimate problems all my life. I just can’t get close to someone without feeling insecure. You said internet problems? Nevermind.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.