I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I cannot stop laughing at this
I need this for my side hustle.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Just how popey was the pope today?
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them