I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
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Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
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Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.