I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
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An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Guy who likes music
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories