I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
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My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys