@markydoodoo

I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

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@Floatersfinest

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

@HelenMaryMe

If you’re found snoozing at your desk, just say “Oh they told me at the blood bank that this might happen!”

@dubstep4dads

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

@ScottLinnen

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

@SortaBad

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

@Jandalize

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

@Rollmaninoz

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

@Scottzilla667

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

@vmochama

why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?

@notalogin

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.