I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.

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I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’


If you’re found snoozing at your desk, just say “Oh they told me at the blood bank that this might happen!”


[using ouija board]
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]


You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.

“Please, no. I can try harder.”

You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.


Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas


Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.


*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*


Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.


why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?


Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.