I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
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if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.