[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
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Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.