5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
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4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.