Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
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“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
me: *sends friend a message at 2 am*
me: woah woah there wtf are you doing up go to sleep this isn’t healthy for u
?When the moon hits your eye?
You’ll be killed.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Social Life Status: My friends are balloons with faces drawn on them. Stuart. My best friend. Popped two days ago.