@13spencer

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

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@LostCatDog

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

@ksej

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

@Trisarahjtops

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

@juice3wavy

me: *sends friend a message at 2 am*

friend: *responds*

me: woah woah there wtf are you doing up go to sleep this isn’t healthy for u

@STACEYNIGHTMARE

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

@VampireIguana

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

@AmishPornStar1

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

@murrman5

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

@Breadery

Social Life Status: My friends are balloons with faces drawn on them. Stuart. My best friend. Popped two days ago.