I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

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Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.


You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.


When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.


What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating


Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together


I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.



Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?

Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt


Sure I’ll come to your costume party. I’ll be a ninja. If you don’t see me then you know I took the challenge seriously


I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.


The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.