Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
You Might Also Like
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt
Sure I’ll come to your costume party. I’ll be a ninja. If you don’t see me then you know I took the challenge seriously
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.