I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
You Might Also Like
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
This will never not be funny to me.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
dads on road-trips be like
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.