Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
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Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Chicago sounds lovely.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.