One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
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Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun