When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
You Might Also Like
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
when you don’t want to be too vague
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.