@georgeattherock

“I’m going out”
• boring
• obvious
• might be illegal now?

“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Mysterious
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health

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@LilMamacitaDont

I tweeted about Darth Vader wearing Depends earlier. Since then, two Vaders and have “followed” me. I’m getting choked tonite. Help.

@brynnester

[Confession]
Me: I wish Jim was alive. He was my best friend
Priest: Jim is alive. I saw him yesterday
Me: Yeah I was getting to that part

@mrtimlong

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

@hazelmotes1

Neck Tattoos: helping employers make hiring decisions since 1992.

@abbymedlock

I can’t stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.

@mrjohndarby

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

@ilovepie84

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

@alexlobaloba

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”