@georgeattherock

“I’m going out”
• boring
• obvious
• might be illegal now?

“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Mysterious
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health

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@iRowlf

“Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!”

-Vin Diesel eating a purse

@rickkondell

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

@SequelsWeWant

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

@CanadianCyn

Mom: You need to get a hobby.

Me: Like photography?

Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.

@NotKarma

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

@daddysdigest

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

@Traceykemp8

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend