“I’m going out”
• might be illegal now?
“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health
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“Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!”
-Vin Diesel eating a purse
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Mom: You need to get a hobby.
Me: Like photography?
Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend