Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
You Might Also Like
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
FINE, I WON’T.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*