Mental note, its inappropriate, according to the HR department, to put your hand on the back of a female coworkers head as she eats a banana
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
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If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Go to Starbucks. Tell them your name is Dad. Hide in the crowd. Listen as the hipster barista says “Dad?..Dad?..DAD?..DAD?!” & starts crying
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*
*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!