I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

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I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.


Little known fact: If you ride any animal in the zoo for more than 30 seconds… it’s yours to keep.


“Annie are you ok?”


“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”



I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.


When a woman has tissues at her bedside, she has a cold.

When a man has tissues at his bedside, he may have a cold.


I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don’t like her new haircut.


Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.


McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds it won’t be long before you’re dead.


America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.


4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?