@Parkerlawyer

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

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@RunOldMan

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

@Ant_F3ltz

Little known fact: If you ride any animal in the zoo for more than 30 seconds… it’s yours to keep.

@SteveSuckington

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

@Darlainky

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

@sickipediabot

When a woman has tissues at her bedside, she has a cold.

When a man has tissues at his bedside, he may have a cold.

@SergioValenCo

I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don’t like her new haircut.

@kelownagoose

Bought 17 a fanny pack for back to school to delay my becoming a grandfather too early.

@PyrBliss

McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds it won’t be long before you’re dead.

@TheTweetOfGod

America’s Got (a very loose definition of what constitutes) Talent.

@Cyd10e

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?