@DoneEffedUp

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

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@HenpeckedHal

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

@markedly

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

@TweetsByKaylee

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

@InternetHippo

Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

@skedaddle74

I’m going to give you the best advice you could ever receive: if a raccoon rings your doorbell, DON’T ANSWER IT!

@LeeroyJenkyy

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

@AudreyPorne

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!