I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.