Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

Can you solve the riddle??

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

this is uni

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

i want it utterly assaulted.

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No