I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?