I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
You Might Also Like
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.