I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.