@lisaxy424

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

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@Probgoblin

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

@justabloodygame

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

@Ygrene

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

@Dutch_50

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

@ItsAndyRyan

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

@jamdugg

*Speed dating*

“Hi there. So what do you do?”

“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”