I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
You Might Also Like
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*