Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
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When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”