7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
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My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Snapes on a plane.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician