I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
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“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
the rocks need my help
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator