@amydillon

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

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@MadamBetteNoire

Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.

@PoliticalGroove

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

@OllyiConic

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

@DosieDoe

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

@fandomkynz

can we normalize asking people how they want to be cared for?

like, i’m a fixer. i know i’m a fixer. when people come to me upset i feel the need to solve the problem they’re having.

but not everyone needs a fixer, sometimes they need a listener or a hugger ya know?

@Mr_Kapowski

New Coworker: So do you have any kids?

Me: Yeah, one too many

New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have?

Me: One

@TweetPotato314

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

@daemonic3

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?