I wonder if there’s a giant cucumber out there thinking about me too.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
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* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
can we normalize asking people how they want to be cared for?
like, i’m a fixer. i know i’m a fixer. when people come to me upset i feel the need to solve the problem they’re having.
but not everyone needs a fixer, sometimes they need a listener or a hugger ya know?
New Coworker: So do you have any kids?
Me: Yeah, one too many
New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have?
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?