I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

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HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure


If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.


I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.


Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough


Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.


There are so many scary things in life:
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”


I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.


capitalism is the most efficient system to distribute resources and drive innovation


My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.