HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
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If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.
I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.
Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
There are so many scary things in life:
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
capitalism is the most efficient system to distribute resources and drive innovation
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.