“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
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[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
🤭😂
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Life is a suicide mission.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
“What?”
– Jude
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.