I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
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Horrifying if literal: shit storm
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.