girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
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I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope