@skedaddle74

I’m going to give you the best advice you could ever receive: if a raccoon rings your doorbell, DON’T ANSWER IT!

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@IamTMoS

I asked mom once how she knew dad was “the one”.
“because,” she replied, “DNA tests don’t lie.”

@HMittelmark

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

@molly7anne

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

@Death_Buddy

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

@TheAlexNevil

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

@Parkerlawyer

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

@DeadLioness

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

@ninetek

if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes

@LlamaInaTux

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how