ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
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My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I hate when that happens.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Good news
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
HOW DARE YOU
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.