I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
dads on road-trips be like
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*