I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
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Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
How it started How it’s going
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
The Joker was right
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.