I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
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ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first