fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
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barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too