I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I just ran a .003048K
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I could NOT have put it better myself.