@sssh_squirrel

I’m going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.

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@Reductress

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

@TweetPotato314

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

@trevso_electric

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

@1MeLrO

Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me

You are a God!

@Scottzilla667

I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.

@Dschnoeb

Someone who blocked me on Twitter just added me on Instagram. If you can’t love me at my bad jokes, you don’t deserve me at my cat photos.

@mrjohntofu

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

@HatfieldAnne

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

@_alexwray

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression