I’m going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.

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Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro


I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.


If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.


Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.

She did NOT lol.


I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”


I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.


[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]


FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!