@sssh_squirrel

I’m going to just start biting the faces of people that stand too close during a conversation.

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@2tonbug

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

@CrockettForReal

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

@jergarl

Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.

She did NOT lol.

@lovemydogduck

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

@Imsohoppy

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

@dave_cactus

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

@NurseSeymour

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!