@2tickytacky

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

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@CelebrityChez

My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.

@Cool_Jesse

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

@mela_shea

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

@NYC_Blonde

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

@topshelftyson

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

@robyn_vo

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

@vonTraphaus

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

@WorstCassie

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

@sexypitabread

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world