“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
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If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Nothing.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it