“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
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They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee