i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
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DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way