“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.