Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
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“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
The types of jars
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Just teach them what you know.
“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
gf: house hunting is so boring
me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.