I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
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I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
smh
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.