My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
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Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
sry
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?