You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
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me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?